A Place beyond decision
A colleague and dear friend of mind just announced that his brother made the decision to commit suicide a couple of weeks ago. Before continuing here, I invite you to read his post on LinkedIn. It is worth your time, I promise you:
https://www.linkedin.com/embed/feed/update/urn:li:share:7035847487546433536
As a Navy veteran, suicide is not an unfamiliar specter in my life. I was saddened by the news, but I have heard this news far too many times to throw me into a tailspin.
But John’s post stunned me.
“Thoughts become habits, habits become character, character becomes destiny, and destiny is a hard chain to break. We take a step toward a place beyond decision, with every little thing we choose.”
“… a step towards a place beyond decision…”
Have you ever found yourself between the proverbial ‘rock and a hard place’? Where no good decision is available? I am not talking about the everyday variety, but seriously bad places you have found yourself. The kind that will take years to dig out of, and you never fully recover because you are changed forever.
You seek wisdom, but she hides her face from you
I was in the Navy, relatively early in my career, when my son moved away with his mother. I had two choices: quit my job/career and follow them, or stay the course and visit my son when able. Did I mention the decision was shadowed by a sizeable child support duty? Following them would have put my ability to financially provide for my son in great jeopardy. I agonized over that decision, cried over it, prayed over it. But I was in a place beyond decision. Neither path was good, neither was the ‘wise’ decision. Wisdom had hidden her face from me. I had already made all the decisions, small and big, bad and good, that had led to this moment. There were no more decisions to be made, only consequences to be lived.
I knew Kip Kinkel, the Thurston High School student in Springfield Oregon who murdered his parents, killed two classmates, and wounded 25 others in 1998. I knew his parents. He is in prison for 111 years, without the possibility of parole. He is in a place beyond decision, literally. None of his decisions are his own anymore. Wisdom cannot, and will not, help him anymore. She has hidden her face from him. Did Kip wake up one morning and just decide to start killing? No, years of choosing violent video games and movies, years of his parents choosing to allow a home with no rules (they were good people, but did not believe in any form of discipline at home), years of choosing to abuse small animals. The choice to kill was the capstone, but the path was strewn with years of bad decisions.
One of my dad’s best friends lost his son in a car accident. A stolen car, taken when the young man was drunk with his friends. The incident changed him and he became a passive parent, allowing his remaining kids to do anything they wanted. They descended into delinquency and then drugs and crime. Last time I checked they were in jail, including the father who got implicated in the crimes being allowed on his property. He found himself in a place beyond decision.
‘No choices’ is not an accident
We are tempted to bemoan our lot, and our luck, when we find ourselves in this ‘rock and a hard place’. We might pray that God gives us the right decision, wail that it isn’t right – no decision can bail us out of this place!
But few of us recognize the truth. We made the decision, years ago, little by little, step by step. We walked to this place of our own free will one step at a time. Every private thought shaped our habits bit by infinitesimal bit. Our habits, repeated every day for years and decades, slowly shaped our character. And our character mapped out our destiny. Our choice? 100% But by the time you know what you were choosing, it is too late to change that destiny. Your destiny.
In the film, The Devil’s Advocate, Satan gives Kevin several opportunities to back down, reconsider, and take a step in the right direction. But we don’t do we? We visit that website when the wife isn’t around, we flirt a little with the bartender, we play on our phone when our kids are trying to get our attention, we just need to spend a couple of extra hours at work… why? We know it is wrong, we know the right answer, we know that the true value of our lives rests firmly with our spouse and our children. So why don’t we make the little choices that matter so much?
Vanity? or Myopic?
Maybe we think we are just too good to experience any real consequences. Or maybe we are so short-sited that we don’t see where this path is leading.
Another sentence in John’s post stood out to me:
“Thoughts become habits, habits become character, character becomes destiny, and destiny is a hard chain to break.”
I have heard this one before. But in the context of a ‘place beyond decision’, it takes a new shine.
Every decision you make today, the very smallest, is moving you along a path. How much time did you spend with your kids today? Did you have more positive interactions with your wife than negative? When your children wanted to spend time with you, did you say ‘just a minute’ as you kept scrolling on your phone?
Its why we homeschool
As homeschool educators, you consciously or unconsciously have gone ‘all in’ on the most important decision of your life – your family. That is good! Now take the much harder decision to look at your day-to-day life and ensure it is aligned with your values, and the values you want to teach your kids.
Every little decision moves you to a place beyond decision.
Make sure that place is where you want to be.
