Reaction to Rule #9 Assume that the Person you are listening to might know something you don’t

To tell the truth (Rule #8!) there is something about Dr. Jordan Peterson’s Rule #9 ‘Assume that the Person you are listening to might know something you don’t’ that just doesn’t sit well with me.

Is he wrong?

Oh no! I actually don’t disagree with anything he has to say in this chapter. Rule #9 is a not-so-deep dissertation on the importance of actually listening to the person that is speaking to you. Actually listening. Attempting to ‘step into their shoes’ and experience what they are saying from their position. Dr. Peterson, quite correctly, points out that most people don’t actually listen with the goal of understanding the other person. We listen to be told we are right, we listen to argue, we wait our turn to get our next brilliant point in, we don’t discuss – we simply take turns. And barely at that.

Dr. Peterson goes on to make the same points made in any book on effective, active listening. Listen to understand, restate what was said to ensure you actually got the message, ask a question to probe deeper, attempt to fully understand what the person is trying to say to you.

And Dr. Peterson is quite clear that the failure to understand your conversation partner is only part your (the listeners) fault. The speaker may not be clearly stating their thought, or may not even fully understand what their thought is! Many people discuss to ‘chew out’ what they themselves actually think. By acting as their sounding board, restating the message you hear and asking further, deeper questions, you are giving the astoundingly rare gift of self-exploration. Allowing them the space to work out what they really do actually think. Good stuff. None of it new or surprising, all of it repeated in just about any book on active listening or self-help relationship books, but it wouldn’t be so commonly repeated if it wasn’t ‘good stuff’.

So…why don’t I like this chapter?

Well, precisely because this advice is so commonly repeated. I agree with all of it, and it is certainly a rare soul that actually listens, but EVERYBODY is shouting at EVERYBODY ELSE to listen! (I am a man, so the following tirade is written from the only experience I know – the male one. The female experience is foreign to me and thus outside of the scope of this rant – PSA complete) Men hear ‘Just listen!’ from EVERY direction EVERY day. From our spouses, are parents, are children, self-help books, relationship advice this/that/everything, our bosses, our co-workers… the list goes on and on. Everybody thinks the their problems would disappear if EVERYBODY ELSE would just listen!

And, I am saturated and sick of that message.

Not because it is false – but because it (the message – not the principle) is not working. Nobody is listening to anybody, we are all just yelling at each other to listen. So lets do a thought experiment. Dr. Peterson has quite a lot to say on the uniqueness of the human thought experiment, so lets do one.

Let’s say I read Dr. Peterson’s Rule #9 and take that advice (sorry Jordan :). I now walk out into my life determined to shut up and listen. What do I hear? Well, primarily I hear a constant stream of complaints that are either my fault or my responsibility to fix. (from all directions, not focusing on any one direction here!) And, here is the burr under the saddle, the more I listen, the more people realize that ‘Finally, I have found someone to listen to me!’ and they proceed to unload more and more and more and more on me. That is fine (for awhile) if it is someone I love and care for. But, and here it is, people pay psychiatrists hundreds of dollars an hour to ‘just listen’ because it is such a valuable, precious gift. I am not getting paid hundreds of dollars an hour. It would be like if I unloaded a wheelbarrow of gold in the street – mobbed and overwhelmed in all directions until I collapse, spent and used up. That is what ‘just listen’ gets you.

Didn’t I ‘agree’ with the Rule? Sounds like I just ‘disagreed’…

I agree with the Rule. Just listen. But its incomplete. That is what doesn’t sit well with me. We hear the message ‘Just Listen’ from every direction. But it never comes with the answer to the incredibly important question ‘To whom should I listen to?’ and, closely followed by ‘For how long?’ Even if a loved one wants to talk, with you just listening along, for 4 hours about their ‘headache’, but never gets around to pulling the nail out of their head (Its not about the nail – YouTube skit, hilarious), then maybe its time to stop listening. Even a dumpster gets full and going around ‘just listening’ to everybody is great way to become everybody’s emotional dumpster. Except we don’t get paid for it, psychiatrists do. We give it away for free.

So it isn’t that I disagree with the concept. Great idea, ‘just listen’. But its so incomplete, so inadequate – no discussion on boundaries or timing or selective access to this rare skill.

I am tired of being told by everyone else that I must ‘just listen’. I don’t really care if anybody tries to ‘understand my life from my shoes’ or ‘listens to understand me’, really don’t. Kinda just want a nap and be left alone for an hour. Explicitly, intentionally, NOT listening. 😉

How about ‘confronting and resolving’ your problems? I disagree strongly with Dr. Jordan Peterson’s Rule #10 Be precise in your speech ———-> next